Estella Lisettea month agoI (22M) moved back to my home country after graduating university, and since then, I haven’t been able to move into my own flat yet. Recently, my family moved into a new flat where I don’t have my own room, so I’ve been living on the sofa. As a result, most of the time my girlfriend and I spend together is at her flat, which she shares with two flatmates. She has her own room, but one of the flatmates is her close friend, whom I also know, and they lived together in a different flat last year. The other flatmate is a random guy they found on Facebook, but my girlfriend told him beforehand that I’d likely be staying over several days a week, and he had no objections, since the previous tenant’s partner often stayed over as well. When my girlfriend first moved into this flat, I ended up spending a lot of time there—around 4-5 nights a week. My girlfriend mentioned to her flatmates that I might contribute to the rent, but they declined. I also didn’t have much of a choice, since I was staying at my parents’ place and didn’t have enough space to stay there more than 1-2 nights a week. In the last month or two, I’ve started staying over less—around 2-3 nights a week—but I’m still feeling awkward and uneasy about the situation. Lately, I’ve noticed one of the flatmates being passive-aggressive and a bit annoyed with me, even though I’m staying less often now. My girlfriend’s lease runs out in June, so we can’t really move in together until then. Should I offer to contribute to the rent again, or is there something else I should do to address this awkwardness? Advice: It sounds like you’re in a bit of an uncomfortable situation, trying to balance your living arrangements with respect for your girlfriend’s flatmates. Here are some things to consider: Open Communication: It seems like there may be some tension building with one of the flatmates, and that could be contributing to the passive-aggressive behavior. You might want to consider talking to your girlfriend about this and asking her to check in with her flatmates to see if there are any concerns that haven’t been expressed directly. It’s important to address any discomfort early before it becomes a bigger issue. Respecting Boundaries: Even though your girlfriend’s flatmates previously agreed to you staying over, it's still important to maintain a balance. It’s good that you’ve been staying over less frequently in recent weeks, but the flatmate’s annoyance could stem from feeling like you’re staying over too often or not contributing in a way that feels fair to them. You might want to have a conversation with them directly (or with your girlfriend as the mediator) to ensure that your presence is not making them uncomfortable. Offering to Contribute: Offering to contribute to the rent could be a good way to address any lingering tension and show that you’re being considerate of the shared living situation. If the flatmates declined your offer before, they might be more open to it now, especially if they’re feeling the financial burden or the inconvenience of someone staying over frequently. If you do decide to offer, make sure to frame it as a way to be respectful of the shared space, rather than as a solution to an issue that may not have been raised yet. Understanding Your Role: It’s important to be mindful that this situation might feel uncomfortable to your girlfriend’s flatmates, especially if they didn’t sign up for someone staying over so often. While your circumstances at home aren’t ideal, it’s good to try and find a balance that works for everyone involved. Be sure to communicate openly with both your girlfriend and her flatmates to avoid any misunderstandings. Planning for the Future: Since your girlfriend’s lease runs out in June, this situation is temporary, and you’ll likely be able to move in together soon. But until then, try to focus on minimizing any tension. Stay respectful of the flatmates’ space and boundaries, and work with your girlfriend to maintain open lines of communication to prevent awkwardness from building up. Ultimately, addressing any concerns openly and offering to contribute financially are both good steps to take in order to ease any tension and ensure that you’re being considerate of your girlfriend’s living situation.141
Estella LisetteEstella Lisette