Dianna Bobbiea month agoI (29F) need some advice on how to talk to my fiancé (29M) about having kids, as I’m feeling really unsure. We’ve been together for 7 years, live together, and have 4 pets. We both work full-time, and he makes significantly more than I do. I still earn a good income, and I don’t want to lose that, as I’ve noticed that a lot of women are expected to become stay-at-home moms, and I fear I’d be judged if I don’t choose that route. In the past, we’ve talked about kids, and we were both okay with the idea of not having children, just focusing on our relationship and pets. However, recently he has started bringing up the idea of having a child and has said that he wants one. I was caught off guard by this, especially since when we first met, he wasn’t interested in having kids. I told him I’d consider it but have a few concerns. My main concerns are 1) my back, as I’ve had spinal issues for the past 10 years, including a slipped disc and pinched nerve, and I’m worried that carrying a child could worsen my condition and affect my quality of life. 2) Since he is the primary breadwinner, I end up handling a lot of the responsibilities at home, like taking care of the pets, meal prep, cooking, cleaning, scheduling, etc. He works long hours in a demanding IT sales job, but I feel like if we had a child, much of the work would still fall on me. He thinks that having a child won’t be that hard and that we’ll see family all the time, but I’m the one who handles most of the family arrangements, and I know that would still likely fall to me. I’ve also found posts explaining how men often see chores as physical tasks (like dishes), but don’t consider things like breastfeeding, tummy time, or playing with the baby as chores, even though they are important for a child’s development. I enjoy those activities, but they are still tasks that require time and energy. Another thing is that I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom—I love my job, and it makes me feel secure, so I don’t feel comfortable leaving it behind, especially because I don’t want to lose my income. If we were to adopt, I’d be much more comfortable, as I wouldn’t have to worry about my back, but he is only interested in having a child if it’s biologically his. I understand where he’s coming from, but it feels unfair because it now seems like I’d have to carry the child if we do go down that route. How can I talk to him about this without making him feel bad or defensive, and explain my concerns without making it sound like I’m rejecting the idea altogether? 131
Dianna BobbieDianna Bobbie