Romilly Leannaa month agoI (20F) and my boyfriend (20M) aren’t technically engaged, but we’ve decided to get married. This was a very sudden decision, mostly on my part. He’s joining the military, and apparently, he gets better benefits if we’re married. We’ve wanted to move in together for a while, but we’ve had trouble figuring out the finances since I’m a full-time student and work part-time in retail. Additionally, I can’t live on base with him unless we’re married, so here we are making the decision. Now, I’m struggling with how to tell anyone about it. I still live with my parents, who are paying for my college. I did bring up the idea of us getting married to my dad to see how he’d react, and he didn’t like it at all. To be honest, my dad’s not really keen on marriage in general. My mom and dad have been together for six years but aren’t married, and I’m adopted. My dad’s main argument was that divorce is awful, and he specifically asked me not to tell him anything further about it. But today, my boyfriend came over, and we applied for our marriage license, and now we’re just waiting for the Zoom call. I’m really nervous about how to tell my parents, especially because I’m close with them, and I know my mom’s been expecting me to tell her first. I told her a while ago that I wouldn’t get married without her there. But now, I’m not sure if I should just go ahead and get married and tell them afterward when my husband (I love that) comes back from basic training. I’m afraid that might break my mom’s heart, but telling her now fills me with so much anxiety. I also think my mom might already have some idea that I’m thinking about marriage, as when we were talking to her about my boyfriend joining the military, she joked about me being a “military wife,” so maybe my dad mentioned something to her. Response & Advice: Acknowledge the Sudden Nature of the Decision: It's clear that this decision has come about quickly, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling anxious about telling your parents, especially since you value your relationship with them. It's important to recognize that this is a big step for you, and it's okay to feel uncertain about how to handle it. Assess the Situation: Think about what you want the outcome of the conversation to be. You’re nervous about your parents' reaction, but you also know that you want their support. While it’s tempting to wait until after your husband returns from basic training, that might cause more stress in the long run, as it could feel like you’re hiding something important. Being honest with them now could allow them to process the news and hopefully come to terms with it before the wedding happens. Prepare for Their Reaction: Given your dad’s reaction to the idea of marriage and his concerns about divorce, it’s likely that he’ll have strong feelings about this decision. However, he might also be more accepting if he understands why you’re choosing this path. You might want to explain the practical reasons behind it—how it benefits both you and your boyfriend in terms of military benefits and your living situation—while also acknowledging that this is a decision you’ve made for yourself and your future. Be Honest, But Be Gentle: Since you value your relationship with your mom, be honest with her but also approach the conversation gently. Let her know how much you love and respect her and how much her opinion matters to you. It might help to bring up the fact that you’ve thought this through and that this isn’t a decision you’ve made impulsively, but one that fits with your current life circumstances. Consider Timing and Setting: Choose a time to talk when you feel calm and ready to have the conversation. If you’re feeling too anxious, it might be helpful to give yourself some space to collect your thoughts before talking to them. Being in a comfortable setting where you can speak openly will help you convey your feelings better. Prepare for Their Reaction: Your parents may be upset at first, but remember that their reactions are likely coming from a place of concern for you. Allow them time to process the information, and give them the opportunity to express their feelings, too. It’s normal for people to feel anxious when someone they care about makes a big life decision, especially if it seems sudden. However, staying patient and giving them time to come around may lead to them eventually accepting your decision. Support Your Own Decision: You are making this decision for yourself and for your future, and while it’s understandable to want your parents' approval, it’s also important to be true to what you feel is right for you. Trust in the choices you’re making and know that, over time, your parents might come to understand and respect them. Final Thoughts: This is a significant moment in your life, and while it’s natural to feel anxious about telling your parents, the honesty and openness will serve you in the long run. Be compassionate with yourself and with them as you navigate this conversation. Keep in mind that while their initial reactions might be difficult, they ultimately want what’s best for you, and with time, they may come to accept your decision.147
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