Sunday Kinleya month agoI (32F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (32M) for about five years now. From the start, things have always been a bit rocky. He has unaddressed trauma, anxiety, depression, and struggled with borderline alcoholism at one point. Throughout our relationship, I've tried to be there for him, but it's been really hard due to the emotional dynamics. In the beginning, he was distant and I did all the initiating. He was often too busy or didn't want to communicate much, and I started to pull away as a result. Then, something shifted after he moved house, and suddenly he became very clingy and possessive. If I didn’t respond to a message quickly, he would get anxious and accusatory, often accusing me of cheating on him with friends or coworkers. He even admitted to searching my phone over the course of a year, but never found anything. Despite that, he still felt like I wasn’t being faithful. In an effort to reconnect with myself, I got back into dancing and fitness—things I’ve always loved. But this became a source of tension for him. He would argue that our relationship should be enough, and that I shouldn’t need outside interests. It felt like my happiness outside of the relationship was a threat to him. I’ve suggested therapy countless times, but every time he agreed, then quickly turned it down, calling it “pseudoscience.” The last year has been filled with his insecurities, constant arguments, and emotional explosions. Whenever I refused to engage with the same argument, he would sulk for days and then blow up again. He insists that he feels anxious because I won’t plan a future with him or move in together, and he says I need to commit to him 100% before he can work on his issues. But I can’t do that when he hasn’t taken responsibility for his emotions or sought help for his struggles. Fast forward to now: He finally agreed to try one therapy session. He came to me afterward, telling me that his therapist has labeled him with anxious attachment and, by that logic, I’m the avoidant one. He’s now saying that unless I commit to him fully and agree to couples therapy, he won’t continue in the relationship. He claims to love me more than anything, but now it feels like he's giving me an ultimatum. I love him and care about him deeply, but I’m so confused. How did we go from him acting like I didn’t exist to suffocating me with his constant need for reassurance? I know I’m probably supposed to walk away and that this isn’t healthy, but honestly, I’m exhausted. I feel empty, drained, and unsure of what to do. Has anyone else gone through a situation where the dynamic in the relationship shifted so drastically—going from distant to clingy or vice versa? How did you handle it?136
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