Phebe Oliviaa month agoI’m a 20-year-old woman, and I’ve been in a relationship with my 23-year-old boyfriend for two years. We live together, but I feel incredibly lonely in the relationship. Even though I often talk about our future together, including marriage, vacations, and experiences I want us to share, he never includes me in his plans. He mainly talks about his own goals, like retiring by 35 or the vacations he plans to take once he lands his dream job (which happens to be with the company I’ve been working at for the past six months). But when he talks about his future, he never mentions me or any plans for us together. I try to bring up the idea of us in the future subtly, but the only time he expresses any interest in a future with me is when he adds the word “wife” to his sentences, especially if I’m upset with him for something he’s said that’s disrespectful. It feels like he only acts affectionate when it benefits him, or when I’m mad, rather than genuinely wanting me as his partner in the future. I truly love him, and I’m here because I wanted to be with him when he had to move out of his parents' house, but now I feel like he doesn’t really want me in his future. He doesn’t express any desire for me to be his wife or the mother of his children. I feel more like a maid, constantly begging for his love and affection. Recently, I had to ask him to promise me that he’d give me more kisses in 2025. When I told him I felt like I had to beg for his love, he didn’t see it that way and said asking for more kisses wasn’t begging. It just frustrates me because I want the small, loving gestures that couples share—like hugs, kisses, genuine compliments, late-night talks, taking pictures together, cooking dinner while chatting, or simply being included in his future plans. It hurts that he doesn’t seem to choose me in his future or show that he wants me there with him. I feel so sad and lonely all the time, and it breaks my heart. I constantly feel like crying. What should I do? Answer to Your Situation: I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way—this situation sounds incredibly painful, and it’s understandable that you feel lonely and heartbroken. Here are a few things to consider and some advice for moving forward. 1. Communication and Understanding: It sounds like you’ve tried to express your desires and your need for more affection, but it’s important to have a deeper, more open conversation about what each of you needs from the relationship. It seems like he might not understand the significance of the emotional connection you're craving. Sometimes, people get caught up in their own goals and may not realize how much the little gestures—like affection and planning a future together—mean to their partner. Have you had a direct conversation with him about how you’re feeling? Not just about the kisses or small things, but about your need for emotional connection, support, and inclusion in his future plans? It might be important to talk about how his behavior (not including you in his future, not showing affection regularly) is making you feel neglected and unimportant. 2. What You Need in the Relationship: It seems like you want more emotional intimacy, consistency in affection, and to feel like an equal partner in his future. You deserve to feel loved, appreciated, and included—not just when he needs something or when you’re upset. Be honest with yourself about what you need in a relationship. Can he provide that emotional connection and affection, or are these things you have to beg for? Healthy relationships should naturally involve both partners showing love, care, and interest in each other’s well-being. If you find yourself constantly asking for affection and feeling lonely even while you’re in a relationship, it’s a sign that something deeper may need to change. 3. Looking at the Bigger Picture: Is he emotionally unavailable? It’s important to consider whether his lack of affection and future planning with you is due to emotional unavailability or if he simply hasn’t realized how important these things are to you. Either way, both are valid reasons to have a conversation and address the issue. Assessing long-term compatibility: If, after communicating your needs, he continues to be indifferent or unwilling to meet you halfway, you may need to consider whether this relationship is fulfilling your needs. You deserve a partner who consistently chooses you and makes you feel valued. 4. Taking Care of Your Emotional Health: Self-care: Feeling lonely and constantly on the verge of tears isn’t healthy, and it’s important that you take care of your own emotional health. Make sure you’re not solely relying on him to meet all your emotional needs. Focus on your own hobbies, friendships, and interests outside of the relationship, so you can stay grounded and remind yourself of your worth. Support system: Lean on friends, family, or a therapist to help you process your emotions. You don’t have to navigate this alone. 5. What to Do Moving Forward: Have a serious conversation with him about your feelings. Share your heart openly—express your desire for more emotional connection, affection, and to be part of his future plans. Pay attention to how he responds. Does he show empathy? Is he willing to change and work on the relationship? If his responses are dismissive or if he continues to show little interest in truly investing in the relationship, you may have to reconsider whether this relationship is right for you in the long term. You deserve someone who makes you feel loved, seen, and important. Conclusion: You’re not alone in wanting affection, love, and to feel included in your partner’s future. These are basic emotional needs in a relationship, and it’s perfectly okay for you to want these things. It’s crucial to have an open, honest conversation with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling, and if he’s unwilling to meet you halfway or make efforts to change, you’ll need to consider your options and what’s best for your emotional well-being. You deserve a relationship where you feel chosen, loved, and valued—not one where you have to constantly beg for affection and attention. 160
Phebe OliviaPhebe Olivia