Chalice Demetriaa month agoI’m 37, and I’ve been in a relationship with a 47-year-old man for over 3 years, living together for almost 2. We met when I was realizing that, after almost 20 years of dating, I didn’t want a monogamous relationship or children. We have an open relationship where we both casually date other people, but we are each other’s primary partners. It’s been a lot of work, communication, and boundary setting, especially since this is my first non-monogamous relationship. The issue involves a woman he met around the same time as me. He developed strong feelings for her, and he says it’s the only time he’s ever considered giving up this lifestyle for someone. She moved across the country while they were still casually dating, and it devastated him. She told him he wasn’t “good enough” or “rich enough” to impress her family, and he ended up prioritizing her back then. I didn’t mind because I was still dating other people and looking for a primary. However, she came back over the holidays, and he met up with her twice. I found out by catching him in a lie and confronted him. He said he lied because he knew it would hurt me. He also explained that their time together was limited to two visits, even though she invited him to spend the entire 10 days with her. He’s made it clear before that he would choose her over anyone, including me, but he doesn’t believe that will ever happen. I feel crushed by this. He treats me wonderfully in most areas, but this is a major issue for me. I’m left wondering if I’m a fool for staying with him, hoping she won’t come back into his life again. This is the second time in two years that I know of that she’s reached out when she’s been local. Answer to Your Situation: This situation is clearly painful, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling crushed by your partner’s emotional attachment to someone else, especially when he’s made it clear that he would prioritize her over you. 1. Acknowledge the Pain: It’s important to validate your feelings here. Being in a non-monogamous relationship doesn’t mean you won’t have moments of vulnerability or that things will always feel balanced. When your partner prioritizes someone else in a way that feels threatening to your place in their life, it’s natural to feel hurt, betrayed, and uncertain about the future of your relationship. 2. Understand the Dynamics of Your Relationship: Non-monogamous relationships have unique challenges: Even though both of you have agreed to be open and have casual relationships with others, it’s clear that the emotional connections involved are still significant. It sounds like this woman holds a special place in your boyfriend’s heart, and her reappearance is shaking the foundation of your relationship. Your boundaries matter: You’ve worked hard to establish boundaries and create an environment where you can both feel comfortable. However, it seems like your boyfriend is not respecting your boundaries when it comes to this woman. He has repeatedly expressed that he would choose her over you, which makes it hard for you to feel secure in your position as his primary partner. 3. Communication is Key: You need to have an honest conversation with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling. Share that his behavior around this woman is making you feel insecure and unloved, especially considering that he has expressed he would choose her over you. It’s important to be clear about what you need moving forward. Does he understand the level of impact this is having on you? Does he see this situation as something that needs to change in order to preserve your relationship? 4. Reevaluate the Situation: How much is this affecting you? If your boyfriend continually prioritizes this other woman or leaves the door open for her to return, it will continue to hurt. Ask yourself whether this is something you can handle long-term, or if the emotional toll is too much for you to bear. Is this an isolated issue, or part of a bigger pattern? It’s worth considering whether this issue with the woman is an ongoing dynamic or if this is the first time it’s caused major distress. If it’s a repeated problem, it might indicate that your partner has difficulty fully committing to the relationship as it currently exists. 5. Deciding Whether to Stay: Are you willing to stay in the relationship despite these concerns? If you choose to stay with him, it’s important that both of you come to an agreement on how this situation will be handled moving forward. His relationship with this woman needs to be addressed, and you deserve to feel secure and valued in the relationship. Consider your needs: Are you getting the emotional support, respect, and consideration you need in this relationship, especially if it means feeling constantly threatened by this other woman’s presence? Your emotional well-being should always come first, and if you’re being placed in a position where you feel secondary, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. 6. Ultimately, Trust Your Gut: It’s clear that you care for him, but your feelings and boundaries also matter. You deserve to be with someone who not only respects your boundaries but also makes you feel loved and prioritized. If you feel that he’s emotionally unavailable or too invested in someone else, it may be worth rethinking whether this relationship is fulfilling your needs. Conclusion: The emotional strain this situation is causing you is valid, and you don’t have to stay in a relationship where you feel unappreciated or insecure. It’s essential to communicate your feelings clearly with your boyfriend and decide what you need moving forward. If the relationship continues to cause more pain than fulfillment, it may be time to consider your options. You deserve to be with someone who chooses you and respects your emotional boundaries. 159
Chalice DemetriaChalice Demetria