Hector Jarrett3 months agoI've spent much of my life feeling lonely, and now I'm not sure if I even have a chance to find someone. The weight I gained from antidepressants has affected my relationship with food, especially with my history of anorexia and binge eating. I feel like I need to lose this weight before I even think about dating. If I'm not a certain size, I don't think I should even try. I want to find someone I’m physically and emotionally attracted to, but sometimes it feels like that’s unrealistic, like I don't deserve it. I’m on disability, managing my own expenses, but I worry no one would want someone who’s unemployed. I have CPTSD and some traits of BPD, and I’m scared of being betrayed or abandoned. I also have ADHD and probably some traits of autism. Even though I’m working on losing weight, I’m scared that once I do, nothing will change. I’ll still be alone, possibly in a dangerous situation, and maybe even trafficked because I live alone in a city with high crime. I’ve tried online dating before and it ended in abuse and trauma. The thought of trying again feels terrifying. I think about what I could do with a partner, the romantic and intimate experiences I long for, but I feel like they are just fantasies that will never happen. I want a partner who would appreciate the real me, but sometimes I feel invisible. It’s hard to get past the idea that I might never be good enough, and that all my effort to improve myself might only lead to more rejection or worse experiences. I know it’s not just about looks, but how I look still matters a lot to me. My past experiences have reinforced the idea that people, especially men, only care about physical appearance first. But when I worked on my appearance before, it didn’t lead to positive outcomes—it only left me feeling worse about myself after being mistreated. I can’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with me, or if dating is just going to lead to pain. I know I’m still not ready to date, but I can’t help but feel unsure of whether it’s even worth it. Am I just setting myself up for more hurt? Response and Advice: I hear how deeply painful and confusing all of this must be for you, especially given your past experiences. It's understandable to feel discouraged and even overwhelmed by everything you're processing. You're clearly going through a lot, and the fear of being hurt again is completely valid. But I want to reassure you that you are not alone in these feelings, and your experiences don’t define your future. Self-Worth Isn’t Based on External Factors You’re doing a lot of work on yourself right now, which is admirable, but I want to emphasize that your worth is not determined by how you look or your job status. These things are part of you, but they don’t define the value you hold as a person. The love and care you deserve will come from someone who appreciates you for who you are, not just how you look or what you have. Your personality, kindness, and emotional depth are incredibly valuable, and while looks may initially catch someone’s attention, it’s the connection and shared respect that sustain a healthy relationship. Take Small, Safe Steps I understand your fear of dating after trauma. Given the abuse and dangerous situations you’ve encountered, it’s natural to feel apprehensive. It’s important to build trust at your own pace and in environments where you feel safe. You might consider starting with low-pressure social situations, like joining support groups, engaging in activities where you can meet others who share your interests, or finding safe spaces online. There are communities out there that prioritize respect, care, and mutual support. Healing Takes Time You’ve been through a lot, and healing from trauma isn’t a quick process—it’s a journey. It might be helpful to seek professional support, like therapy, to help process your trauma and work through fears of betrayal and abandonment. Learning how to trust yourself and others again is key to creating healthier relationships moving forward. Body Image and Dating While it’s understandable to want to feel good about your body before dating, I encourage you to focus on self-compassion. Bodies change, and the journey toward feeling better in your own skin should come from a place of love and care for yourself, not because of external validation. You don’t need to be a certain weight to be worthy of love, and the right person will see the real you, not just your physical appearance. Online Dating and Safety Concerns Your concerns about online dating and safety are completely understandable, given what you've been through. It's okay to avoid it if it makes you feel uncomfortable, but there are ways to make online dating safer, like using platforms where you can better control who sees your profile, setting clear boundaries, and perhaps even sharing your experiences with a trusted friend or counselor before you take steps to start dating again. If you ever decide to try again, consider platforms that are tailored to people with similar experiences, or even ones that emphasize safety and care. You Deserve Love Above all, remember that you deserve love, respect, and kindness, no matter what your past looks like or what you've been through. The right person will recognize your worth and will support you through your healing process. But finding that person will take time, patience, and a focus on your own growth. It’s okay to take it slow and prioritize your well-being first. I hope you find peace in your journey toward healing and building a future where you feel valued and loved. You deserve to feel safe, supported, and appreciated—just as you are. This response aims to provide comfort, guidance, and reassurance while acknowledging your valid concerns. I hope it helps you feel more empowered as you navigate this process. 1172
Hector JarrettHector Jarrett