Janeka Theresaa month agoI (15F) broke up with my boyfriend (16-17M) about a month ago. We met in our school's marching band, and although we initially had a lot of tension between us, we eventually became friends after bonding over shared classes. Once we started hanging out more, we had long, deep conversations about life, love, and philosophy. While I want to believe the personal things he shared with me about his struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts, I'm not entirely sure how truthful everything was, especially given how things ended. I loved him, and honestly, I still do. It's hard to deny those feelings. At the time, I thought he loved me too, but when he ended things, he told me he didn’t feel the same way. He said he was desperate for love and to feel loved, which I could understand. But I guess he wasn’t as ready to love in the way I was. I think, in some ways, he’s less mature than I am. He often behaves more like I did when I was in middle school, which I guess explains a lot. We ended things relatively amicably, though we'd been fighting for a while before that. After we broke up, he texted me for two days—one day asking me which spelling of a made-up word sounded best for an online handle, and another day sending me a strange video, which makes sense given his interests (he’s into 4chan and has some concerning habits). The thing is, he was one of my only friends. Before we started dating, I had very few friends left. Many of my friendships fizzled out, some ended badly due to fights or falling outs, and others just faded. My only other friend is this girl from my class, but I’m not particularly fond of her. I now sit at a lunch table with a group, but I wouldn't say any of them are really my friends. Since the breakup, I feel incredibly alone. I've always struggled to connect with my peers, and making new friends is difficult for me. We haven’t had much contact since the breakup, but I did text him a link I thought he’d find funny, and I wished him a happy birthday, to which he replied with a simple thanks. I heard him mention something about "chivalry" and "no response" when showing his friend something on his phone, and I’m not sure if that’s connected to our situation. Now, I’m wondering if I should reach out again. I've been hesitant, but I’ve had dreams and even used a coin flip to decide if I should contact him. I'm just scared that I might push him away even more. I don’t necessarily want to get back together, but I miss the friendship we had before. He’s always been hostile to others, but with me, he was different. I’m unsure if I’d still get the same warmth from him or if he’d treat me the same way he treats everyone else now. So, my question is: should I reach out to him? How should I approach him? Is it worth trying to rekindle our friendship, or should I continue to deal with the isolation I’m feeling? Answer & Advice: It sounds like you’re going through a very emotional time, and it’s completely understandable that you're struggling with how to navigate your feelings and whether to reach out to him. Here’s some advice: Assess Your Motivations: Before reaching out, it’s important to reflect on why you want to reconnect. You mentioned that you miss the friendship, but also that you're not looking to get back together. If your primary reason for wanting to reach out is to revive the emotional connection you had before, it might be helpful to consider if doing so will help you heal or if it might reopen old wounds. Make sure you’re approaching this from a place of wanting healthy closure, rather than hoping for things to go back to the way they were. Be Honest About Your Intentions: If you do decide to contact him, be clear about your intentions. You could say something like, “I’ve been thinking a lot about our friendship, and I miss the connection we had. I don’t expect anything romantic, but I’d like to see if we can be friends again.” This sets clear boundaries and allows both of you to understand what you're looking for from the interaction. Prepare for the Possibility of Rejection or Distance: Keep in mind that reaching out doesn’t guarantee that he’ll be receptive, especially if he’s not in the same emotional space as you. He may be dealing with his own feelings, and it might take him time to process the breakup. If he’s not as open to rekindling the friendship, try not to take it personally. His response will depend on his own emotional state, and you need to be prepared for that possibility. Take Care of Your Emotional Health: While reconnecting with an old friend can sometimes provide comfort, it's also important to prioritize your own well-being. If you reach out and it doesn’t lead to a positive outcome, or if it brings up more hurt, you need to be ready to lean on other supportive friends or family members. Additionally, it’s important to explore new ways of connecting with people who share your interests or values. Building a broader support system can help you feel less isolated and more emotionally fulfilled. Give Yourself Time: If you’re unsure whether to reach out, it might be worth taking a little more time to reflect. Sometimes the pressure to make decisions in the heat of the moment can cloud our judgment. Consider waiting until you feel more grounded in your own feelings, and then decide if reaching out still feels like the right step. Ultimately, it’s about doing what’s best for your emotional health and finding the right balance between healing from the breakup and honoring the friendships you value. If reconnecting with him feels right and doesn't cause more harm than good, then go for it. But also, don't be afraid to focus on new connections that can bring positivity into your life. 170
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